


Existentialism

by bedknees



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Backstory, Gen, Memories, Mindscrewish, Some angst, all the headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:26:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5391005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedknees/pseuds/bedknees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“you must really wanna go home. hey, i know that feeling buddo.”</p><p>Before Snowdin, there was another place they called home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Existentialism

Sometimes, sleep was all he had to look forward to.

 

It was when he caught glimpses. Caught glimpses of a life left behind. A life that was once his for the taking.

 

Pause. Rewind.

 

Three years. Three years since they showed up in Snowdin.

 

Three years since they were all but forgotten.

 

//

_Dad brought him along on his latest expedition._

_On his shoulders, looking out upon the beautiful wonders of Waterfall with stars in his eyes, the little boy found himself grinning as he witnessed the glittering beauty around him._

_Science was so amazing. There was nothing that he got more excited about than doing things like this with Dad._

_He was four and he was ready to take on the world. He was four and he was ‘all growed up’ now. He was four and he was the picture of pure raw ~~naiveté~~ intelligence._

_Dad put him down._

_‘Studying flowers,’ Dad signed. Dad couldn’t talk._

_He was four and he already knew basic sign language._

_Everything was pretty. The flowers were pretty. He watched as Dad wrote things down in his book. Dad promised that they would see the glistening stars that caressed the Surface sky someday, like the ones in those space movies that he loved so much._

_He looked over and saw a group of mushrooms. Maybe Dad had to study those too; after all they were the same color as the flowers._

_Dad wasn’t paying attention when he wandered over to the cluster of mushrooms, looking down at them in awe as they glowed. He didn’t think mushrooms could be pretty._

_“Mommy, humans!!”_

_He looked around himself in shock. He heard Dad gasp. He clapped his hands together and motioned him to come back over to him._

_“Dad, where are the humans? I don’ see humans.”_

_‘Stay be me, Sans.’_

_“Why? Are they gonna hurt us?”_

_He looked over and saw a group of dog monsters approaching them. They looked mad. Was he not supposed to look at the mushrooms? Oh, no. Dad would be so disappointed._

_Dad put his hands up as if to say ‘stop’._

_The dogs kept approaching. He felt scared. What did he do?_

_He looked up at Dad._

_His eyes were now glowing._

_The dogs stopped._

_“Oh, oh my god!” a dog lady yelled. “Y-you aren’t humans. We are so, SO sorry.” She bowed her head. The other dogs looked sad._

_“Hi,” he said with a grin. The dog woman looked like she was going to cry. “We’re monsters, too. See, I can glow my eyes and I have pointy ears. Humans have rounded ears, right Dad?”_

_He watched Dad give a nod and a smile. His shoulders didn’t look tense anymore. ‘Good job,’ he signed to him. The dogs looked confused._

_“Oh, um, he can’t talk. Dad was in an accident so he uses signs now.”_

_The dog woman crouched down, “What are your names, child? You are too sweet.”_

_He grinned again, “’m Sans Gaster. This is my dad, Webb-Dings Gaster.”_

 

//

 

He remembers, some.

 

He remembers there was a steppe at the lowest point of the Underground. A lot of people lived there. Very out of the way. He knows his Dad was the Royal Scientist.

 

_Home?_

 

In his dreams, he remembers.

 

//

 

_“Mama?”_

_“What’s up, stinker?” He smiled as Mama sat down on the edge of his bed. He had been sick the whole day, so he had to miss school. He got sick a lot._

_“Why do we look like humans?”_

_“HOOMANS??”_

_Sans watched as his brother ran into the room “WHERE HOOMANS?”_

_Mama laughed. “No humans, Pappy. Maybe someday.”_

_In a flash, Pappy sat down at her feet and looked up at her expectantly._

_“Alright kids, it seems to be story time.”_

_“YAY!!” Pappy yelled._

_“Well,” she began while running a gentle olive hand through Sans’s dark hair, “A long, long time ago a big group of humans of all colors, shapes, and sizes decided that they wanted to use magic. So, as they used more magic their souls became more like a monster’s.”_

_“So, we are humans with monster souls Mama?”_

_Mama ruffled his hair, kissing the top of it. “Oh my wittle stinker! You’re so smart.” Pappy leaned back, jealous, so Mama ruffled his head as well. “Yep. But because it’s been so long, we have a few different things. Our ears are a little pointy, we have glowy eyes when we use magic and get very happy or sad, and we have sharper teeth and nails.”_

_“GRR!” Pappy growled before baring his teeth, erupting in giggles directly after. He and Mama laughed at his action, as well._

_“D’ya think other monsters will confuse us like they did at the Waterfall?” Sans asked._

_Mama’s smile slipped a little. “Your dad told me about that. Do you remember what he did?”_

_Sans thought about it for a moment. “Oh, um, glowed his eyes?”_

_She nodded, “Mhmm. Just glow your eyes. It’s a universal signal that you’re a Magi and not a Human. If they still don’t believe you, show them your ears and teeth.”_

_Sans pulled back the corners of his mouth into a huge smile. “’Kay!” He heard Pappy giggle._

 

_“Oh my silly-billy, I love you.” Mama looked down at Pappy affectionately. “I love both of you.”_

_She piled both of her sons into a big hug._

_Sans slept well that night, his sickness gone by morning._

 

//

_It was a cold, gloomy day when he stood next to his little brother and watched as Mama’s ashes were scattered under a big tree. It was where all her family’s dust was placed._

_Pappy cried, cried so hard that Sans started crying too. Mama was gone; Mama was gone forever. No more of her warmth, her jokes, or her love._

_Sans looked over to Dad. He was so sad. It was the first time he saw him cry. It hurt._

_He saw Dad signing to the other adults. Sans made out ‘vision’, ‘nightmare’, ‘hemorrhaged’, and ‘should not be possible’._

_He was six and world-weary. He was six and far too young. He was six and the picture of a sickly kid who couldn’t do anything._

_He was six and he was a motherless child._

 

//

 

They were all bits and pieces of memories that could not be forgotten, but were forgotten. A lot were sad, painful. Maybe they weren’t worth recalling.

 

Still, the dreams made sleeping a priority.

 

The dreams gave him identity.

 

Quickly, he came to the conclusion that his dreams were _real memories_.

 

//

 

_Dad was different afterward. He spent a lot more time in the lab. After all, he was the Royal Scientist. Sometimes, his aunt would come over and watch him and Pappy. Most of the time, however, the brothers were left to their own devices with the occasional check-in from neighbors._

_It was strange. When he was around, Dad had a hard time looking at Sans for some reason. It hurt him; he wanted to know why he always averted his gaze when around him after Mama died. Was it his fault Mama died?_

_One night, Dad stumbled in late. He was half-awake at the table. He smelled like rum, a scent Sans had gotten used to since Mama’s death._

_“Hey, pop,” he said softly._

_He gazed to the side, avoiding the sight of his eldest child. He signed ‘hello, son.’_

_“Why?” Sans whispered._

_He lifted his head up, ‘what do you mean?’_

_Sans felt tears prick at his mismatched eyes, “Why? Why do you look away?”_

_He bowed his head._

_“Is it my fault?”_

_  
_

_“Is Mama dead ‘cause of me?”_

_He wasn’t sure at what moment he felt himself engulfed in a tight hug, but Sans knew it felt really good. Dad started to cry, so he started to cry. They hugged and bawled and somehow, thankfully, Pappy stayed asleep through it all._

_He felt Dad pull away, his copper skin looking a touch paler. ‘No,’ he signed. ‘No, no, no, no.’_

_“Why, then?” he asked sadly, quietly._

_‘You look alike, too much. It was hard.’_

_Sans blinked, “I really look a lot like her?”_

 

_‘Yes, far too much’ he signed, a lone tear trailing down his face. ‘Except the eyes. You have my eyes.’_

_‘Through you,’ he continued, ‘she will never die.’_

_They hugged again, but this time it was a little more heartfelt._

_Dad still didn’t look at him a lot after that, but now that Sans knew why, it was okay._

_Everything was okay._

//

_The first time Sans knew something was wrong with him was when he dreamt in blue._

_It started out as a normal dream, but quickly took a turn for the worse. People were walking in the town square when a pillar fell, crushing two people underneath. The big clock read ‘3:34 PM’_

_‘Don’t ignore it if you dream in blue,’ he remembers his Dad, drunk, signing to him so clumsily he almost didn’t make it out. When he tried to ask why, he passed out onto the table in front of him._

_Remembering the words, drunken or not, Sans went to Town Square that day. He always passed it walking home from school. Nothing happened. He went there the next day. Nothing happened. After four days, he was ready to consider it a normal dream._

_On the fifth day, something happened._

_He saw the exact same people in his dream, talking under the pillar. It was 3:33 PM._

_Sans shouted something in their direction. He motioned them to come over, but they ignored him._

_It was still 3:33._

_He saw a rock. Thinking fast, he fake-tripped over it, howling out in fake-pain._

_The two people looked over, rushing over to him in concern._

_Not a second later, the pillar fell._

//

_The older he got, the more Sans realized that his life was going to be a lot like Mama’s._

_It was obvious he inherited a lot more than looks from her._

_If prompted, Dad would go on and on._

_‘Amazing is a good word to use. She was kind, witty, and brilliant. Always tried to make others laugh. She loved helping people.’_

_‘However, she was sick a lot,’ he signed. ‘She also had brittle bones, as well as asthma. So, not perfect by any means. It broke her heart when you inherited all of her health problems.’_

_“Did she die ‘cause of a vision?”_

_Dad went stock-still. It took him a while to collect himself._

_‘You won’t die from a vision, Sans.’_

_“Did she?” he asked, a bit more pleadingly._

_He bowed his head. ‘Yes, but it is very rare. In fact, only one other person has died from a vision. Being a foreseer will not kill you. It let’s you see things to come, at least sometimes. It allows you to feel other people’s feelings, helps you judge them better. Foresight is a good thing.’_

_Sans was silent for a while, looking down at his shoes._

_“It doesn’t feel good.”_

 

//

 

_He was 12 when Dad approached him with the offer._

_‘Your teachers tell me you are one of their brightest students.’_

_“Yeah, so? Not a big deal, pop.”_

_‘Do you remember how I mentioned I wanted to take on an apprentice?’_

_Sans clicked his tongue. “Nepotism, pop, nepotism. ‘M sure someone’s more qualified than me.”_

_‘Nepotism or not, you can help me do amazing things. I know it. You are practically taking college-level science classes right now. More than qualified.’_

_“What about the health requirements?”he asked softly._

_‘I’d still let you through. Your lungs are the only true worry.’_

_“I’m 12.”_

_‘You’re brilliant.’_

_“What about Pap?”_

_‘He can tag along, just not as an apprentice. Otherwise, your aunt will keep an eye out for him.’_

_A pause._

_‘Do you want this?’_

_“Of course I do. Y’know that.” Sans looked around the room, trying to hide his true excitement at the offer. He wanted nothing more than to work in his dad’s field. Science was his passion, whether it was real science or sci-fi._

_But was he really ready to throw his childhood away?_

_Was he ready for this much responsibility?_

_‘You start Monday, after classes.’_

 

//

 

_“I can’t see you, Dad! Dad?!”_

 

**LEAVE WITHOUT ME. IT'S FAR TOO LATE.**

_“I hear buzzing. Where are you dad?! Everything was going fine! Why did it, why did the machine—“_

**GET TO SAFETY. YOU'RE TOO FRAGILE TO BE HERE.**

_“Dad??”_

**RUN.**

_“Where are you!?”_

**ONLY SIXTEEN. TOO YOUNG, MAYBE OLD ENOUGH.**

_“PLEASE!”_

**I'M  F A L L I N G**.

_“MY SKIN. OH GOD, MY SKIN. IT HURTS!”_

**I'M SORRY.  
**

_“AHHHHH!!”_

**SANS...**

_“PLEASE! ”_

**I MAY BE ABLE TO DO ONE MORE THING. JUST PROMISE...  
**

_“Dad… Pap, me and Pap are—”_

**TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR BROTHER AND YOURSELF.**

**S H A T T E R _  
_**

 

 

 

 

_He was barely sixteen when the machine stripped the Gaster family from existence, leaving only the shells of two brothers that wandered into the quiet town of Snowdin._

 

//

 

By bits and pieces, Sans was able to string together key parts of his past, of his brother’s past.

 

It wasn’t that happy of a story.

 

Maybe someday he would tell him.

 

Sometimes, sleep was all he had to look forward to.

 

 

 

Sometimes, he wished he didn’t dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Not mine. All belongs to Toby Fox.


End file.
